Feedback: From Avoidance to Listening — A Coaching Perspective

When feedback is missing or avoided

Last week, feedback was the recurring theme in two coaching sessions I had.

Feedback from the receiving end – or rather the not-receiving end.

And feedback from the giving end- or more accurately avoiding the conversation.

The difficult, the uncomfortable conversation.

The one where all data and facts are present, their impact on operations and timelines is clear, and yet frustration and emotion still sit heavily in the room.

In the first instance, my client has not received any formal feedback on her performance since joining the company, about half a year ago. After careful consideration, she concluded that she's OK with it- for now.

It gives her time to observe, to understand the organisation and explore possible opportunities across different teams and departments.

Her Team Leader openly recognised her in a team meeting, saying that she has been a good candidate choice. That can be considered feedback, I suppose. It may be interpreted as a self-compliment from the leader too, though.

My client is new to the organisation and brings leadership capabilities and experience. For her, the absence of regular one-to-one performance conversations feels strange, but acceptable for the time being. Especially as she is receiving appreciation and support from other managers and leaders across the organisation.

In the second instance, a very different challenge emerged.

My client is the founder and leader of the organisation. She has been struggling to address performance and behavioural issues with one of her team members. Last minute delivering, missed expectations and attitude have been causing frustration, anxiety and annoyance.

She tried the conversational, friendly approach.

She tried the directive approach, ‘this is how I want things done’.

She requested all communication be documented via e-mail to ensure clarity and minimize late night calls.

None of these approaches produced the results she was hoping for.

When feedback becomes listening

We explored a different approach, a coaching- style approach to feedback. A listening approach to leadership.

In our last session, we put a plan in place.

She would prepare by writing down:

• the facts about the employee’s performance and behaviors

• the impact on the business and the team

• the emotions those behaviors generated for her

Then, during the one-to-one conversation, her role would be simple, and difficult:

To listen. Only listen.

I sensed fear and discomfort as we discussed this.

This way of giving feedback is different.

It's a different way of being.

It's a different way of leading.

Different from the system this relationship had been built on.

Different from the systems many of us grew up in, and were trained in.

I'm curious.

What coaching-style leadership makes possible

As I reflected on these two cases, I was reminded of an opportunity I was given back in 2015, while I was studying to become a coach. An executive and leadership coach.

I was seconded into an Operation Leadership role, responsible for three teams - 26 people- in a newly created Financial Solutions Centre.

My task was to stabilize the teams and processes within a 6-month period, until the permanent role was filled.

I was excited and scared.

Excited because I’ ve always loved working with people.

Scared because I was not a Finance expert!

Years later, I still have the ‘Thank you’ gift from those teams on my desk.

Was I successful in this role?

Yes! Absolutely.

What made the different was the coaching style leadership approach.

The time I spent listening- to my team members, business partners and colleagues.

About a year ago, I spoke with one of my former team leaders.

‘You were coaching us back then, right ? That’s how we did it’, she said.

Yes, that was it.

A coaching way of leading.

It came naturally to me because I had been trained in it, practised it and consciously choosing that way of being for many years.

But how easy is this for a new leader?

For someone without people management experience or training?

How comfortable is it for those raised in systems or cultures where human leadership is an unfamiliar territory?

How open can someone be when they ‘ve never had to explain themselves?

When replacing people feels easier than listening to them?

How possible is a human leadership when systems are designed around control rather than conversations?

And perhaps more importantly:

How willing are our leaders to listen?

How ready are they to really listen?